1/30 The L Word

Ok, I am moving so my shyt will be late because, MOVING. Anyway, I will be posting poems. I am processing a lot of things. My process is internal and more about me than you. Just let me get it out and don't take this shyt personal I just need to get it out of MY body. Most of it will be awful but better in the second look. If you know me then you know.

The L Word

I don't want to believe it was on purpose

I want to believe that maybe in some

trick of the light you didn't think this would effect me

the way it did

all the while knowing it would

I don't want to believe that part, the ignoring

and yet it stands in the rain pointing

saying under its breath

you knew on some level

I will feign ignorance

who wants to be responsible

for their own shaming

I just wanted to talk

find my hold

my misstep

I know my crisis period was frightening

hell, 

I was scared 

you were not there the only thing

I wanted, I think

I am better now,

clearer

I think

I have moved from that place

and yes I noticed that in my grief and folding

you stayed away

eventhough you were the only one
I needed, I think

maybe it was the way I moved

made you remember what it was like to be someone

like me and you wanted no part directly

I get it

I guess

but I don't understand

because you won't even grant me the gift of words

out of your mouth into my ears

I have never said love in the moment

face to face

I always worried the whole time

rejection would be the special of the day

now I am trying to jigsaw myself

back to some semblance of myself

I don't even know who I am anymore

I knew once

but lost myself in a fantasy I cannot recover from

I have never been here before

but then again I have never said love

like this

and meant it

I love you