Saturday, April 2, 2016

1/30 The L Word

Ok, I am moving so my shyt will be late because, MOVING. Anyway, I will be posting poems. I am processing a lot of things. My process is internal and more about me than you. Just let me get it out and don't take this shyt personal I just need to get it out of MY body. Most of it will be awful but better in the second look. If you know me then you know.

The L Word

I don't want to believe it was on purpose
I want to believe that maybe in some
trick of the light you didn't think this would effect me
the way it did
all the while knowing it would

I don't want to believe that part, the ignoring
and yet it stands in the rain pointing
saying under its breath
you knew on some level

I will feign ignorance
who wants to be responsible
for their own shaming
I just wanted to talk
find my hold
my misstep

I know my crisis period was frightening
I was scared 
you were not there the only thing
I wanted, I think
I am better now,
I think

I have moved from that place
and yes I noticed that in my grief and folding
you stayed away
eventhough you were the only one
I needed, I think

maybe it was the way I moved
made you remember what it was like to be someone
like me and you wanted no part directly

I get it
I guess
but I don't understand
because you won't even grant me the gift of words

out of your mouth into my ears

I have never said love in the moment
face to face
I always worried the whole time
rejection would be the special of the day
now I am trying to jigsaw myself
back to some semblance of myself
I don't even know who I am anymore

I knew once
but lost myself in a fantasy I cannot recover from
I have never been here before

but then again I have never said love
like this
and meant it

I love you

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