Friday, April 29, 2016

22/30 Where to Pee When I gotta Pee, Cause I gotta Pee and Shyt (see what I did there)

in the dream
I am in drag
because I do that sometimes
on a Wednesday
or some random Tuesday
the spice of life

when I walk this way
on those days
when my other wants to show his face
and strut like he can

when I am dressed this way
there are no cat-calls
because that would take a second look
and men who dismantle women
on random streets
only look once
it’s part of the illness

so I am walking
in drag down a street
on a random Wednesday
or Tuesday
good days for walking
in drag
on streets

I walk into a business
let’s say it is some random Starbucks
there fucking everywhere
it’s almost like I  can’t not walk in
I mean it’s there
they are everywhere
but I don’t want coffee
the coffee I have already consumed
insist on evacuating my body
like right now
like for real

so I enter
in drag
approach the bathroom
the one wearing a triangle
but I am  dressed like a boi
so the security guard

because now there are security guards
because the bathroom pass of the past
holds no weight here

he points to the men’s room aggressively
aggressive pointing I am convinced is an art
a weird one but, well, you know

I go in the direction he is pointing
because curious
because authority figure
because I am in drag
and he doesn’t know that when dressed in drag
I pee standing up
because my inner boi
in a past life
was a Boy Scout
always prepared
and I have not used a urinal in years
back then I didn’t have proper equipment

so I go
adjust my stance
not sure if the restroom is empty
it is
it is also nasty
but I got my Go Girl
and this girl
who looks like a boy
on Wednesdays
or Tuesday
has to go
standing up
so I do

someone enters as I shake off the excess
I saw it in a movie
before I walk into the stall
close the door and wipe proper
because home training

the man eyes me oddly
not sure what he is seeing
with my facial hair
with my suit
and shiny loafers and curves
with my bright pink apparatus
taking a warm soapy bath
before it is returned to my pocket

I tip my hat in his direction
don’t peek cause I’m not interested
as I exit
the security guard gives me a nod
then hesitates
the second look always fucks them up

I tip my hat
walk out of the coffee shop
walk back into Wednesday or Tuesday
in drag

I wake
think of all the other scenarios
the ones that don’t end amused
but shamed and invisible
the ones that end with prison sentences and fines
the ones that expose the parts that are private
the ones that involve my friends and their freedom

it is strange
that government has chosen
to enter the most private of places
oh wait, they've already entered our bedrooms
it is wrong and so fucking unconstitutional
the preamble just disappeared
“We the people”
has no meaning anymore

if it ever did

Friday, April 22, 2016

21/30 Adore

(I wrote this in a journal years ago from a first love making prompt. I never did anything with it because it was so phucking cheesy. I found the journal yesterday in a panicked search after learning of the death of Prince. I cleaned it up a bit, changed the parts that super didn't make sense and tried to make it a little less Velveeta. I am still in shock.) 

it’s not so much the song
it’s that that was the song
we shared the first time
we made love

when we split
I avoided the song
like that would make
the memories of us less painful
the way you frowned when I said Prince
confessed you’d never heard
I doubted if there could be space
for you in my heart
I mean who the fuck has never listened to Prince
and do I want to invite that kind of insanity into my life

but I adored you and thought maybe
if I serenaded you soft and wet
as we strolled uptown
let you glimpse my dirty mind
pondering what I would do when you were mine
was I getting ahead of myself
did I really feel for you
or was I just delirious
with the prospect of falling for you
because I want to be your lover
two girls creating controversy
on a campus that could barely contain us
our first slow dance to purple rain
ended lips locked hands fumbling
my first orgasm with you
I was fully clothed
the kiss left me breathless and blushing
while doves were crying
you liberated  my body from clothes
breasts from bras
a sign of the times to come
this strange relationship blooming
you the most beautiful girl in the world
always in my hair
with all my nerves I never doubted
that it would be a beautiful night
in the morning over starfish and coffee
we talked about what would happen
if I was your girlfriend
well If I was this could be us every night
because together we were some sexy motherfuckers

and it was the song and you
and there is a comfort in knowing
the first time we made love
We had the Beautiful ones approval

a soundtrack to loving you

20/30 Altitude

there are times when the ground is so close
the falling seems happens in slow motion
you may find yourself drifting through
the past repeating missteps
falling all over again
the sky with all its magic peers down
wonders how you have turned into
a face it no longer recognizes
why you won’t look up so she can
bathe you in the beauty you have always been

there are times when lifting your head
is an act so difficult
the altitude too much and rather than
fall from a grace you are not sure you deserve
you coffin your pillow and lay prone

waiting for a call to remind you who you are

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

19/30 Esemplastic

my heart deciphers first
hears hope just under the rejection
tries to weigh it all up
with her no hands
or eyes
feeling all the things at once
until they traffic jam collide
a pile up
where she dangles in doubt
tries to repair what may not be broken
until she breaks it with her no hands

if she had hands they would wrap themselves
around each other in a worry that should
or should not exist
feelings all over the floor
love swimming upstream

my brain always leaps the other way
tries to read into and between the lines
tries to suss out intend and what was really being said
does not trust the information
until processed to damn near death.

somewhere in me logic lingers
runs interference to the point of exhaustion
logic holds the key to the tears
she covers them with
an attempt to cool the tempest
knowing she will have to do it again


Tuesday, April 19, 2016

18/30 Burnished

there is a glitter in my step
a shine from within
a release of anxiety
I let flourish too long

the way my mind
seeks failure is frightening
I am still learning how to negotiate
with my heart
over matters that dig
into scars no longer scabbed
a constant exposure
an ouch
I try to ignore
then it blindsides me
makes me imagine
makes me over think the simple
remove the simple
nothing is simple
on those days
when I am spilled milk
a smear of taint
empty arms longing for contact

but today 
I am glitter
I am so shiny
I hurt my eyes
a smile lifting at the corner
in earnest
in truth
soaking up the sun

all of it

17/30 Kvell

when they found their bodies outside of mine
took their first breaths
announced their arrivals
my silent prayers of peace and whole
became prophecies to be fulfilled

they own their faces and choices
their successes make me proud to be home
away from home
the miles don’t matter
when love is the map
the way we find our way back

they call and my face is beacon
is reminded I am alive and live on
in multiple locations and shapes
and eyes

they will never not be mine
never really away from my
my locket hearts holds their faces
holds their love lifts their voices

every time I open my mouth

16/30 Hoi Polloi

there are times when my heart adjusts itself
the beat syncs with pulse
a touch can set me to spinning
a kind word
the way she tastes in rainstorms
the sound of thunder rattles
through me on days when the light comes through
when I own my reflection
the skin aching for sun and breeze

the roaming of all over
the search and destroy mindset
sprinkles itself in the eyes of non-believers
who hold the destinies of other in contempt
for reasons only you understand
an adjustment made of desperation
hope held hostage

and teeth full of mouth

Monday, April 18, 2016

15/30 Late Night Musings

puffy eyes and runny nose
 shaking hands
 and that tick thing I do
 that I have noticed recently
 body flutters
 that have nothing to do with
 or the mosquitoes Georgia rain
 has convinced they are supposed
 to be alive still
 at night
 like vampires
 chasing my face for blood
 I cannot spare
 my neighbors
 peeking through blinds
 wondering about this ritualistic thing
 I do
 at night
 especially on nights
 when my heart yearns for close
 when close is not an option
 the words that keep me grounded
 for now
 until I float away
 a happenstance of rising tides
 a loose anchor
 a pirate without a port or harbor to call home
 so I find home
 in the words falling from my mouth
 like so much rain
 like if I didn't practice
 someone other than me would know
 or care
 why do I care

then I glimpse you
 a memory
 the clouds
 the part of me that moves through the lonely
 like I do
 so well

 on nights like this

Friday, April 15, 2016

14/30 Consent (the remix)

I am not your lucky
not your blarney stone
or rabbits foot
I will not set you free by touching me
or any part of my body

I am listening to you lament about consent
how no man has the right to touch any part of a woman
or approach her like it is his duty
and I am calling so much bullshit in my head
because not an hour ago you approached me
a smile on your face
reached up and touched me without my consent
or permission

so not only do you not practice what you preach
you have no business in the pulpit
no business selling your snake oil
because you are just as guilty of the crime
you know so much about
you commit it yourself

my brother once said to me that becoming a lawyer
can make you a perfect criminal

you tell me you are an ally how you will stand for me,
in front of me if need be
and that is exactly the wrong thing

you speak of respecting people of color
but the boundaries that exist
do not seem to apply to me
your hair is so pretty you say
reaching without asking
touching without permission

when I step away you look put-off
tell me you were just honoring my style
or is it because I’m white

It is not because you are white
it is because my body doesn’t belong to you
and you seem to believe that only
men can objectify women
only men need to ask for consent
every consensual lover I have ever had
can touch my body to their hearts desire
hair included
a mutual understanding
and believe it or not some of those lovers are white
so it’s not about race
it is about respect
it is about practicing what you preach
penis or not

when you touch me without my permission
you do not have consent
and yes, that includes
your lame ass excuse

about honoring my hair

Thursday, April 14, 2016

13/30 Tonsorial

when you are a single mother
with boys
that have hair
they refuse to comb
and school starts soon
and there are stores that sell clippers
so you buy them
the barber shop is too expensive
three visits pays for the clippers
and then
there is more money
for the clothes they are outgrowing
for the shoes that always need replacing
for the meals missing mid-day in summer
this practical single mother knows
she has no skills at cutting hair
but how hard can it be
she has seen hair cut
her sons are not eager to be
experimental performance
no one wants to go first
the youngest loses the fight
he sits not as calm as he pretends
there is a soft buzz
an ouch
a retort of
damn your ears are big
a little blood
then an
the older brother slaps his hand
across his lips
to stuff back the explicative
that will get his ass beat
while the sisters laugh
the younger brother advances on
the mirror
mouth stretched in a scream
that won’t come
a tear falls
the mother is upset
she didn’t do it on purpose
she apologizes to the crying boy
who now has to have it
a trim turned bald
the older brother declares
he wants to grow the biggest
afro in the world
while the younger develops
an interest

in hats

12/30 Miche

I don't let it show
not on my face
I hold it there just out of sight
in plain view
no one can see
what I don't want to show
they do anyway

this poetry thing
gets under your skin sometimes
an odd rash of rhyme and rhythm
coughing up a residue of words
people like that sometimes
it is a healing by tearing away
a stripping naked thing that never sleeps
it eats away and nourishes at the same time
it is a noisy lover and has no chill
it talks about everything and never blushes
points out the bruises calls them beautiful
a trophy of scars hanging on the walls
it comes too fast sometimes
and rarely wears protection
says it is clean even when it  is nasty

I have had so many babies I named poems
swaddled them in books that hang out in libraries
and she is always there lurking
assuring me I am never alone

11/30 Limitations

in the after times
when we get to re think the choices
second guess the intentions
it works I guess but not in a way
that services the injured
any way we are talking the talk,
not really
I am screaming at the ceiling
which doubts my intentions
think maybe I didn’t do enough
like the last time

there are so many things to do
my head in the clouds
the way they hang so low
it is not a difficult feat
my face a slack example of time wasted
a throb in the pulse
my eyes a blur of details
it is hard to focus
the screaming has dulled to a roar
a sore throat that aches for soothing

maybe tomorrow

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

10/30 Lessons for Legislators

it starts the way you start
with dinner
perhaps drinks
dancing could show its pretty face
all slow and grinding
all hips

there will be hands
caressing napes of neck
base of spines
information being translated
without words
just touch

lips will be involved
sweet chaste kisses
that turn deep
standing or sitting
still wearing all of our clothes

the murmurs will begin
the urgency
our breaths will catch
on the other side of release
that part comes later
after the before

there will be a ninja style
of removing bras
I have worked hard at this part
I have the skill
I once removed a bra and she didn’t realize
until I handed it back to her
clamped and neatly folded,
but I digress

the hands that never left return
there is molding and kneading
unbuckling of pants or the raising of skirts
fingers dipping into panties
or the sliding away of a thongs
there will be wet and wanting
and thrust
the slow reveal

there will be at least two orgasms
before our naked bodies meet
I am more interested
in her receiving of pleasure
than my own
that may be a difference between us

once in bed
where we should be able to explore
in private
but you want to know so badly
you want to make this public
I only hope you are taking notes
I hate repeating my words
and while I cannot teach you
the art of multiple orgasm
for your wife’s sake
I hope you are paying attention

we may wear covers
or let the moon watch in wander
as we move across each other
the kind we make in our throats
when I take her in my mouth
the arch of her back will mold to my palms
when she opens for me
I will know the true meaning of welcome
of home
of g-spot and held breaths
she will know all the honesty I own
and when she returns the favor
you will see my gratitude
all over her face

when we finish it could be hours
there is so much skin
we both have skin
this will take time
not all rush and fumble
not a silent affair
our moans and shouts
decorate the walls
and while it may confuse the neighbors
we are proud of our display
our cacophony
our love
the way we make it

so there is my private
my love you want to legislate
with law
when what you really are
is jealous of the fact
that beauty that pleasure exists
without your penis,
I mean 
your laws

Sunday, April 10, 2016

9/30 What Happens in Crowds

we are not in this alone
not by ourselves
even though we think we know better
feeling south of other
and nowhere to be found
there are others
they just don’t acknowledge our presence
they have better things to do
and part of that is not thinking about
what we are struggling with
which is really not a struggle
just  two people not talking about anything
and it’s a problem
but it’s our problem

we are not the only ones
we just don’t talk about it
just move
and pretend
and nothing
and if you talked to me finally
I am not even sure I would remember your voice
and you maybe don’t care enough to notice
and maybe someday
I’ll stop feeling like the chain around your neck
the thing you never wanted to be a part of

the kiss you wish you could take back

Saturday, April 9, 2016

8/30 Message in a Bottle

there was the year
I turned the inside of my body into an ocean
filled it religiously
with which ever spirit haunted me
like a blessing or a curse
every night
then the next
a reverse drowning
trapping the sadness inside
filling it to bursting
so I would not
could not
feel its breath on my skin
mocking the memories that feed it
make it grow 
like mold
like a fire
like a bruise blooming
in the house regret built
on a shaky foundation
on the shore of sea more
confused than angry
its whining windows
shrugging walls and rooms
filled with empty bottles
that clang together              
a cacophony of lonely
a symphony of the misery 
I have become
crashing into myself
more weary than wave
more force than fury

that year went by in a blur


7/30 Slip

in the middle of the night
my mind wanders
floats in your direction
never quite reaching you

but trying 

6/30 Night Terror

I watch her when she sleeps
face calm and
a hand across her chest
I watch it rise and fall
like hope

a sigh
a breath held
lips quiver
a tear decorates
her cheek
has the dream gone bad

something forgotten remembered
mouth curves into a smile
she burrows into my arms
feeling so familiar
it terrifies me

I hold on tighter

5/30 Arrivals and Departures

Arrivals and Departures

traffic at the airport was terrible
the rain washed away dividing lines
so many cars with no paths to guide them
they barely miss kissing bumpers

I notice but I don’t 
all I can think about is kissing you

you’ve only been gone two weeks
the scent of you lingers on the walls
my bed still holds the imprint of your frame
I miss the feel of you in my arms on my skin
I signal into the parking lot eagerly awaiting your arrival

I don’t think about the arguments over nothing
over photos with strangers or my too busy schedule
I don’t think about how when you said you had to get away
sounded like final destination or fleeing the scene of a crime
I don’t want to remember how you wanted me to choose
between what I love and who I love
how the way you make complicated sound like
a disease you need to cure yourself from

the flowers I bought are only a few days old
a few dollars cheaper than brand new 
I love you on a budget
is still I love you

my phone rings in the pocket next to my keys
your face a flame on my screen
the smile hidden in my heart shows up on my face
before your voice says you have decided to stay a few more days
before you say we need to talk
before the flowers lose the little life they had left

the traffic at the airport will always be terrible
in the parking lot I prepare to depart
knowing once I pay the fee to free my car
I will never see or hear from you again

the dividing lines are blurry
more from my tears than the rain
the car next to me veers into my lane

I barely miss kissing the bumper 

Monday, April 4, 2016

4/30 How To

when i look at him sometimes
all 6ft plus i goggle and think
he used to live in my body
taking up all the space in my womb

and i want him to continue doing that
occupying space in this womb of a world
face beaming and a mind filled with sparks
i want him to be the world every inch of it

i used t hold him in my arms and wonder
if i could raise a man to be a man
whatever that means, today, or tomorrow
could i do what i have never done

today he we are sitting in the car
we watch our new neighbor carrying bags
he wants to help her but she is practically
in her house when we notice her

she has a grandson, he says i nod
he should have gone shopping for her, he says
he looks at me his eyes a soft miracle
he says, you are not as old as she is
but if you ever need me to shop or anything
i'll do it

i realize listening to the Morse Code of his heartbeat
i did it
i raised a man

3/30 Echo

sometimes in the dark
i hear things
maybe it is you voice
or some far away owl
sweet talking me into existence

i always want it to be you
happy and light in all the right places
speaking to me directly
right into my ears
a seduction of vibrations
a hanging of light

i never investigate its origins
i know that sound
your voice
lives in me

2/30 Musth

when normal leaves me lonely
when the sun is there shining
offering no warmth or forgiveness
the tears continue to flow
down cheeks
into my ears
drowning my pillows
i try to will my heart to stop
stop the pinning
stop being sick in love

the anxiety comes at the strangest time
strange, but it makes as much sense as anything
on Tuesday when my mind wanders to places
it knows better
and i get stuck in the heart with sick
and blubber and messy
it gets everywhere
then leaks from my eyes
spills on everything
all over again

but Wednesday is coming
there are no tears on Wednesday
a mid pointing in the direction of hope
no map just go
just move on

but i can't
my mind may wonder
but my heart remains rooted
tho the spot

Saturday, April 2, 2016

1/30 The L Word

Ok, I am moving so my shyt will be late because, MOVING. Anyway, I will be posting poems. I am processing a lot of things. My process is internal and more about me than you. Just let me get it out and don't take this shyt personal I just need to get it out of MY body. Most of it will be awful but better in the second look. If you know me then you know.

The L Word

I don't want to believe it was on purpose
I want to believe that maybe in some
trick of the light you didn't think this would effect me
the way it did
all the while knowing it would

I don't want to believe that part, the ignoring
and yet it stands in the rain pointing
saying under its breath
you knew on some level

I will feign ignorance
who wants to be responsible
for their own shaming
I just wanted to talk
find my hold
my misstep

I know my crisis period was frightening
I was scared 
you were not there the only thing
I wanted, I think
I am better now,
I think

I have moved from that place
and yes I noticed that in my grief and folding
you stayed away
eventhough you were the only one
I needed, I think

maybe it was the way I moved
made you remember what it was like to be someone
like me and you wanted no part directly

I get it
I guess
but I don't understand
because you won't even grant me the gift of words

out of your mouth into my ears

I have never said love in the moment
face to face
I always worried the whole time
rejection would be the special of the day
now I am trying to jigsaw myself
back to some semblance of myself
I don't even know who I am anymore

I knew once
but lost myself in a fantasy I cannot recover from
I have never been here before

but then again I have never said love
like this
and meant it

I love you