7/30 Variations

in the first dream 

i wake naked           wonder the house 

i do not recognize 

i think i know what this means           but not yet 

in each room i find some forgotten thing 

or some lost item of clothing 

or some part of me I've neglected 

on the stairs there are a pair of shoes 

i have never been before 

they accuse me of running off at the mouth 

of counting things i do not own 

they sit there in their shiny blues 

                a sad song 

                i do not know the words to 

in the kitchen 

the ramshackle that is my heart 

leans a soggy mess on the counter 

every other beat it calls her name           in a whisper shout 

that 

i can not hear 

because my ears 

are no longer connected to my head         

                         and i think i know what this means 

                                                                   not yet 

the last room i care to search 

is not a room at all 

it is the hollow of a throat i loved 

it is my right arm atrophied 

missing the form of her gone body 

                   it is the waist deep in memory 

                   and missing all the points 

i have never lived here 

like i thought 

this house has forgotten the shape of me 

if i ever find my eyes 

maybe they will tell me something different 

echo myself back 

                          i think i know what this means

                                                              not yet

21/30 Adore

(I wrote this in a journal years ago from a first love making prompt. I never did anything with it because it was so phucking cheesy. I found the journal yesterday in a panicked search after learning of the death of Prince. I cleaned it up a bit, changed the parts that super didn't make sense and tried to make it a little less Velveeta. I am still in shock.) 

it’s not so much the song

it’s that that was the song

we shared the first time

we made love

when we split

I avoided the song

like that would make

the memories of us less painful

the way you frowned when I said Prince

confessed you’d never heard

I doubted if there could be space

for you in my heart

I mean who the fuck has never listened to Prince

and do I want to invite that kind of insanity into my life

but I adored you and thought maybe

if I serenaded you soft and wet

as we strolled uptown

let you glimpse my dirty mind

pondering what I would do when you were mine

or... 
was I getting ahead of myself

did I really feel for you

or was I just delirious

with the prospect of falling for you

because I want to be your lover

two girls creating controversy

on a campus that could barely contain us

our first slow dance to purple rain

ended lips locked hands fumbling

my first orgasm with you

I was fully clothed

the kiss left me breathless and blushing

while doves were crying

you liberated  my body from clothes

breasts from bras

a sign of the times to come

this strange relationship blooming

you the most beautiful girl in the world

always in my hair

with all my nerves I never doubted

that it would be a beautiful night

in the morning over starfish and coffee

we talked about what would happen

if I was your girlfriend

well If I was this could be us every night

because together we were some sexy motherfuckers

and it was the song and you

and there is a comfort in knowing

the first time we made love

We had the Beautiful ones approval

a soundtrack to loving you

19/30 Esemplastic

my heart deciphers first

hears hope just under the rejection

tries to weigh it all up

with her no hands

or eyes

feeling all the things at once

until they traffic jam collide

a pile up

where she dangles in doubt

tries to repair what may not be broken

until she breaks it with her no hands

if she had hands they would wrap themselves

around each other in a worry that should

or should not exist

feelings all over the floor

love swimming upstream

my brain always leaps the other way

tries to read into and between the lines

tries to suss out intend and what was really being said

does not trust the information

until processed to damn near death.

somewhere in me logic lingers

runs interference to the point of exhaustion

logic holds the key to the tears

she covers them with

an attempt to cool the tempest

knowing she will have to do it again

soon

18/30 Burnished

there is a glitter in my step

a shine from within

a release of anxiety

I let flourish too long

the way my mind

seeks failure is frightening

I am still learning how to negotiate

with my heart

over matters that dig

into scars no longer scabbed

a constant exposure

an ouch

I try to ignore

then it blindsides me

makes me imagine

makes me over think the simple

remove the simple

nothing is simple

on those days

when I am spilled milk

a smear of taint

empty arms longing for contact

but today 

I am glitter

I am so shiny

I hurt my eyes

a smile lifting at the corner

in earnest

in truth

soaking up the sun

all of it

12/30 Miche

I don't let it show
not on my face
I hold it there just out of sight
in plain view
no one can see
what I don't want to show
they do anyway

this poetry thing
gets under your skin sometimes
an odd rash of rhyme and rhythm
coughing up a residue of words
people like that sometimes
it is a healing by tearing away
a stripping naked thing that never sleeps
it eats away and nourishes at the same time
it is a noisy lover and has no chill
it talks about everything and never blushes
points out the bruises calls them beautiful
a trophy of scars hanging on the walls
it comes too fast sometimes
and rarely wears protection
says it is clean even when it  is nasty

I have had so many babies I named poems
swaddled them in books that hang out in libraries
and she is always there lurking
assuring me I am never alone

10/30 Lessons for Legislators

it starts the way you start

with dinner

perhaps drinks

dancing could show its pretty face

all slow and grinding

all hips

there will be hands

touching

caressing napes of neck

base of spines

information being translated

without words

just touch

lips will be involved

sweet chaste kisses

that turn deep

primal

standing or sitting

still wearing all of our clothes

the murmurs will begin

the urgency

our breaths will catch

on the other side of release

that part comes later

after the before

there will be a ninja style

of removing bras

I have worked hard at this part

I have the skill

I once removed a bra and she didn’t realize

until I handed it back to her

clamped and neatly folded,

but I digress

the hands that never left return

there is molding and kneading

unbuckling of pants or the raising of skirts

fingers dipping into panties

or the sliding away of a thongs

there will be wet and wanting

and thrust

the slow reveal

there will be at least two orgasms

before our naked bodies meet

I am more interested

in her receiving of pleasure

than my own

that may be a difference between us

once in bed

where we should be able to explore

in private

but you want to know so badly

you want to make this public

I only hope you are taking notes

I hate repeating my words

and while I cannot teach you

the art of multiple orgasm

for your wife’s sake

I hope you are paying attention

we may wear covers

or let the moon watch in wander

as we move across each other

music

the kind we make in our throats

when I take her in my mouth

the arch of her back will mold to my palms

when she opens for me

I will know the true meaning of welcome

of home

of g-spot and held breaths

she will know all the honesty I own

and when she returns the favor

you will see my gratitude

all over her face

when we finish it could be hours

there is so much skin

we both have skin

this will take time

not all rush and fumble

not a silent affair

our moans and shouts

decorate the walls

and while it may confuse the neighbors

we are proud of our display

our cacophony

our love

the way we make it

so there is my private

my love you want to legislate

with law

when what you really are

is jealous of the fact

that beauty that pleasure exists

without your penis,

I mean 
your laws

8/30 Message in a Bottle

there was the year

I turned the inside of my body into an ocean

filled it religiously

with which ever spirit haunted me

like a blessing or a curse

every night

then the next

a reverse drowning

trapping the sadness inside

filling it to bursting

so I would not

could not

feel its breath on my skin

mocking the memories that feed it

make it grow 

like mold

like a fire

like a bruise blooming

in the house regret built

on a shaky foundation

on the shore of sea more

confused than angry

its whining windows

shrugging walls and rooms

filled with empty bottles

that clang together              

a cacophony of lonely

a symphony of the misery 

I have become

crashing into myself

more weary than wave

more force than fury

that year went by in a blur

twice

6/30 Night Terror

I watch her when she sleeps

face calm and

breathing

a hand across her chest

I watch it rise and fall

like hope

a sigh

a breath held

lips quiver

a tear decorates

her cheek

has the dream gone bad

something forgotten remembered

mouth curves into a smile

she burrows into my arms

feeling so familiar

it terrifies me

so 

I hold on tighter

4/30 How To

when i look at him sometimes
all 6ft plus i goggle and think
he used to live in my body
taking up all the space in my womb

and i want him to continue doing that
occupying space in this womb of a world
face beaming and a mind filled with sparks
i want him to be the world every inch of it

i used t hold him in my arms and wonder
if i could raise a man to be a man
whatever that means, today, or tomorrow
could i do what i have never done

today he we are sitting in the car
we watch our new neighbor carrying bags
he wants to help her but she is practically
in her house when we notice her

she has a grandson, he says i nod
he should have gone shopping for her, he says
he looks at me his eyes a soft miracle
he says, you are not as old as she is
but if you ever need me to shop or anything
i'll do it

i realize listening to the Morse Code of his heartbeat
i did it
i raised a man

2/30 Musth

when normal leaves me lonely
when the sun is there shining
offering no warmth or forgiveness
the tears continue to flow
down cheeks
into my ears
drowning my pillows
i try to will my heart to stop
stop the pinning
stop being sick in love

the anxiety comes at the strangest time
strange, but it makes as much sense as anything
on Tuesday when my mind wanders to places
it knows better
and i get stuck in the heart with sick
and blubber and messy
it gets everywhere
then leaks from my eyes
spills on everything
all over again

but Wednesday is coming
there are no tears on Wednesday
a mid pointing in the direction of hope
no map just go
just move on
away

but i can't
my mind may wonder
but my heart remains rooted
tho the spot

1/30 The L Word

Ok, I am moving so my shyt will be late because, MOVING. Anyway, I will be posting poems. I am processing a lot of things. My process is internal and more about me than you. Just let me get it out and don't take this shyt personal I just need to get it out of MY body. Most of it will be awful but better in the second look. If you know me then you know.

The L Word

I don't want to believe it was on purpose

I want to believe that maybe in some

trick of the light you didn't think this would effect me

the way it did

all the while knowing it would

I don't want to believe that part, the ignoring

and yet it stands in the rain pointing

saying under its breath

you knew on some level

I will feign ignorance

who wants to be responsible

for their own shaming

I just wanted to talk

find my hold

my misstep

I know my crisis period was frightening

hell, 

I was scared 

you were not there the only thing

I wanted, I think

I am better now,

clearer

I think

I have moved from that place

and yes I noticed that in my grief and folding

you stayed away

eventhough you were the only one
I needed, I think

maybe it was the way I moved

made you remember what it was like to be someone

like me and you wanted no part directly

I get it

I guess

but I don't understand

because you won't even grant me the gift of words

out of your mouth into my ears

I have never said love in the moment

face to face

I always worried the whole time

rejection would be the special of the day

now I am trying to jigsaw myself

back to some semblance of myself

I don't even know who I am anymore

I knew once

but lost myself in a fantasy I cannot recover from

I have never been here before

but then again I have never said love

like this

and meant it

I love you

8/30 Badinage

1

my pick up line was unrehearsed

a sad attempt to win your smile

the furrow of your brow made me think 

I fucked up, misjudged your interest

but you were just thinking

I love a woman who thinks

the slow drag of your eyes on my frame

measuring me made my shirt tight

my body liked your body back

my clumsy line your face a round glow

my favorite smile decorates your face

I win

2

our rivers find new banks to rest by fall

our love a different thing we know the winds

will blow us in each others path again

each time the first time

you get all of my twisted jokes

and I love the way you growl in frustration

our kisses linger over everything

we are no strangers to the strange that is us

on any given Wednesday

your smile still a balm

and my favorite place to visit