4/30 Beam

Beam

she smiled at me

and I thought

what a nice smile

disarming in it slow reveal

a slide across teeth

beaming crookedly adorable

hand slapped on thigh

because

actually slapping yourself

in public

could be seen

as what it is not

and is at the same time

just a stinging reminder

that’s all

that  is all you want

in that moment

a reminder of what sliding

into a smile like that could     bite

like how good it might feel    all over

you have fallen into too many

the saliva stinging memories

you wish you never had

some you wish you had again

but you have no desire to time travel

to be somewhere you have already been

so you feel the sting

the slap

the tread carefully

you have a habit of running

chambers first

maybe this time

this time maybe

you want to go slow

recognize your own navigation

lead with something other than

what’s been broken a time too many

to count

9/30 What Happens in Crowds

we are not in this alone

not by ourselves

even though we think we know better

feeling south of other

and nowhere to be found

there are others

they just don’t acknowledge our presence

they have better things to do

and part of that is not thinking about

what we are struggling with

which is really not a struggle

just  two people not talking about anything

and it’s a problem

but it’s our problem

we are not the only ones

we just don’t talk about it

just move

and pretend

and nothing

and if you talked to me finally

I am not even sure I would remember your voice

and you maybe don’t care enough to notice

and maybe someday

I’ll stop feeling like the chain around your neck

the thing you never wanted to be a part of

the kiss you wish you could take back

3/30 Echo

sometimes in the dark
i hear things
maybe it is you voice
or some far away owl
sweet talking me into existence

i always want it to be you
happy and light in all the right places
speaking to me directly
right into my ears
a seduction of vibrations
a hanging of light

i never investigate its origins
i know that sound
your voice
lives in me

1/30 The L Word

Ok, I am moving so my shyt will be late because, MOVING. Anyway, I will be posting poems. I am processing a lot of things. My process is internal and more about me than you. Just let me get it out and don't take this shyt personal I just need to get it out of MY body. Most of it will be awful but better in the second look. If you know me then you know.

The L Word

I don't want to believe it was on purpose

I want to believe that maybe in some

trick of the light you didn't think this would effect me

the way it did

all the while knowing it would

I don't want to believe that part, the ignoring

and yet it stands in the rain pointing

saying under its breath

you knew on some level

I will feign ignorance

who wants to be responsible

for their own shaming

I just wanted to talk

find my hold

my misstep

I know my crisis period was frightening

hell, 

I was scared 

you were not there the only thing

I wanted, I think

I am better now,

clearer

I think

I have moved from that place

and yes I noticed that in my grief and folding

you stayed away

eventhough you were the only one
I needed, I think

maybe it was the way I moved

made you remember what it was like to be someone

like me and you wanted no part directly

I get it

I guess

but I don't understand

because you won't even grant me the gift of words

out of your mouth into my ears

I have never said love in the moment

face to face

I always worried the whole time

rejection would be the special of the day

now I am trying to jigsaw myself

back to some semblance of myself

I don't even know who I am anymore

I knew once

but lost myself in a fantasy I cannot recover from

I have never been here before

but then again I have never said love

like this

and meant it

I love you