21/30 Adore

(I wrote this in a journal years ago from a first love making prompt. I never did anything with it because it was so phucking cheesy. I found the journal yesterday in a panicked search after learning of the death of Prince. I cleaned it up a bit, changed the parts that super didn't make sense and tried to make it a little less Velveeta. I am still in shock.) 

it’s not so much the song

it’s that that was the song

we shared the first time

we made love

when we split

I avoided the song

like that would make

the memories of us less painful

the way you frowned when I said Prince

confessed you’d never heard

I doubted if there could be space

for you in my heart

I mean who the fuck has never listened to Prince

and do I want to invite that kind of insanity into my life

but I adored you and thought maybe

if I serenaded you soft and wet

as we strolled uptown

let you glimpse my dirty mind

pondering what I would do when you were mine

or... 
was I getting ahead of myself

did I really feel for you

or was I just delirious

with the prospect of falling for you

because I want to be your lover

two girls creating controversy

on a campus that could barely contain us

our first slow dance to purple rain

ended lips locked hands fumbling

my first orgasm with you

I was fully clothed

the kiss left me breathless and blushing

while doves were crying

you liberated  my body from clothes

breasts from bras

a sign of the times to come

this strange relationship blooming

you the most beautiful girl in the world

always in my hair

with all my nerves I never doubted

that it would be a beautiful night

in the morning over starfish and coffee

we talked about what would happen

if I was your girlfriend

well If I was this could be us every night

because together we were some sexy motherfuckers

and it was the song and you

and there is a comfort in knowing

the first time we made love

We had the Beautiful ones approval

a soundtrack to loving you

20/30 Altitude

there are times when the ground is so close

the falling seems happens in slow motion

you may find yourself drifting through

the past repeating missteps

falling all over again

the sky with all its magic peers down

wonders how you have turned into

a face it no longer recognizes

why you won’t look up so she can

bathe you in the beauty you have always been

there are times when lifting your head

is an act so difficult

the altitude too much and rather than

fall from a grace you are not sure you deserve

you coffin your pillow and lay prone

waiting for a call to remind you who you are

17/30 Kvell

when they found their bodies outside of mine

took their first breaths

announced their arrivals

my silent prayers of peace and whole

became prophecies to be fulfilled

they own their faces and choices

their successes make me proud to be home

away from home

the miles don’t matter

when love is the map

the way we find our way back

they call and my face is beacon

is reminded I am alive and live on

in multiple locations and shapes

and eyes

they will never not be mine

never really away from my

my locket hearts holds their faces

holds their love lifts their voices

every time I open my mouth

11/30 Limitations

in the after times

when we get to re think the choices

second guess the intentions

it works I guess but not in a way

that services the injured

any way we are talking the talk,

not really

I am screaming at the ceiling

which doubts my intentions

think maybe I didn’t do enough

like the last time

there are so many things to do

my head in the clouds

the way they hang so low

it is not a difficult feat

my face a slack example of time wasted

a throb in the pulse

my eyes a blur of details

it is hard to focus

the screaming has dulled to a roar

a sore throat that aches for soothing

maybe tomorrow

10/30 Lessons for Legislators

it starts the way you start

with dinner

perhaps drinks

dancing could show its pretty face

all slow and grinding

all hips

there will be hands

touching

caressing napes of neck

base of spines

information being translated

without words

just touch

lips will be involved

sweet chaste kisses

that turn deep

primal

standing or sitting

still wearing all of our clothes

the murmurs will begin

the urgency

our breaths will catch

on the other side of release

that part comes later

after the before

there will be a ninja style

of removing bras

I have worked hard at this part

I have the skill

I once removed a bra and she didn’t realize

until I handed it back to her

clamped and neatly folded,

but I digress

the hands that never left return

there is molding and kneading

unbuckling of pants or the raising of skirts

fingers dipping into panties

or the sliding away of a thongs

there will be wet and wanting

and thrust

the slow reveal

there will be at least two orgasms

before our naked bodies meet

I am more interested

in her receiving of pleasure

than my own

that may be a difference between us

once in bed

where we should be able to explore

in private

but you want to know so badly

you want to make this public

I only hope you are taking notes

I hate repeating my words

and while I cannot teach you

the art of multiple orgasm

for your wife’s sake

I hope you are paying attention

we may wear covers

or let the moon watch in wander

as we move across each other

music

the kind we make in our throats

when I take her in my mouth

the arch of her back will mold to my palms

when she opens for me

I will know the true meaning of welcome

of home

of g-spot and held breaths

she will know all the honesty I own

and when she returns the favor

you will see my gratitude

all over her face

when we finish it could be hours

there is so much skin

we both have skin

this will take time

not all rush and fumble

not a silent affair

our moans and shouts

decorate the walls

and while it may confuse the neighbors

we are proud of our display

our cacophony

our love

the way we make it

so there is my private

my love you want to legislate

with law

when what you really are

is jealous of the fact

that beauty that pleasure exists

without your penis,

I mean 
your laws

9/30 What Happens in Crowds

we are not in this alone

not by ourselves

even though we think we know better

feeling south of other

and nowhere to be found

there are others

they just don’t acknowledge our presence

they have better things to do

and part of that is not thinking about

what we are struggling with

which is really not a struggle

just  two people not talking about anything

and it’s a problem

but it’s our problem

we are not the only ones

we just don’t talk about it

just move

and pretend

and nothing

and if you talked to me finally

I am not even sure I would remember your voice

and you maybe don’t care enough to notice

and maybe someday

I’ll stop feeling like the chain around your neck

the thing you never wanted to be a part of

the kiss you wish you could take back

7/30 Slip

sometimes

in the middle of the night

my mind wanders

floats in your direction

never quite reaching you

but trying 

5/30 Arrivals and Departures

Arrivals and Departures

traffic at the airport was terrible

the rain washed away dividing lines

so many cars with no paths to guide them

they barely miss kissing bumpers

I notice but I don’t 

all I can think about is kissing you

you’ve only been gone two weeks

the scent of you lingers on the walls

my bed still holds the imprint of your frame

I miss the feel of you in my arms on my skin

I signal into the parking lot eagerly awaiting your arrival

I don’t think about the arguments over nothing

over photos with strangers or my too busy schedule

I don’t think about how when you said you had to get away

sounded like final destination or fleeing the scene of a crime

I don’t want to remember how you wanted me to choose

between what I love and who I love

how the way you make complicated sound like

a disease you need to cure yourself from

the flowers I bought are only a few days old

a few dollars cheaper than brand new 

I love you on a budget

is still I love you

my phone rings in the pocket next to my keys

your face a flame on my screen

the smile hidden in my heart shows up on my face

before your voice says you have decided to stay a few more days

before you say we need to talk

before the flowers lose the little life they had left

the traffic at the airport will always be terrible

in the parking lot I prepare to depart

knowing once I pay the fee to free my car

I will never see or hear from you again

the dividing lines are blurry

more from my tears than the rain

the car next to me veers into my lane

I barely miss kissing the bumper 

4/30 How To

when i look at him sometimes
all 6ft plus i goggle and think
he used to live in my body
taking up all the space in my womb

and i want him to continue doing that
occupying space in this womb of a world
face beaming and a mind filled with sparks
i want him to be the world every inch of it

i used t hold him in my arms and wonder
if i could raise a man to be a man
whatever that means, today, or tomorrow
could i do what i have never done

today he we are sitting in the car
we watch our new neighbor carrying bags
he wants to help her but she is practically
in her house when we notice her

she has a grandson, he says i nod
he should have gone shopping for her, he says
he looks at me his eyes a soft miracle
he says, you are not as old as she is
but if you ever need me to shop or anything
i'll do it

i realize listening to the Morse Code of his heartbeat
i did it
i raised a man

1/30 The L Word

Ok, I am moving so my shyt will be late because, MOVING. Anyway, I will be posting poems. I am processing a lot of things. My process is internal and more about me than you. Just let me get it out and don't take this shyt personal I just need to get it out of MY body. Most of it will be awful but better in the second look. If you know me then you know.

The L Word

I don't want to believe it was on purpose

I want to believe that maybe in some

trick of the light you didn't think this would effect me

the way it did

all the while knowing it would

I don't want to believe that part, the ignoring

and yet it stands in the rain pointing

saying under its breath

you knew on some level

I will feign ignorance

who wants to be responsible

for their own shaming

I just wanted to talk

find my hold

my misstep

I know my crisis period was frightening

hell, 

I was scared 

you were not there the only thing

I wanted, I think

I am better now,

clearer

I think

I have moved from that place

and yes I noticed that in my grief and folding

you stayed away

eventhough you were the only one
I needed, I think

maybe it was the way I moved

made you remember what it was like to be someone

like me and you wanted no part directly

I get it

I guess

but I don't understand

because you won't even grant me the gift of words

out of your mouth into my ears

I have never said love in the moment

face to face

I always worried the whole time

rejection would be the special of the day

now I am trying to jigsaw myself

back to some semblance of myself

I don't even know who I am anymore

I knew once

but lost myself in a fantasy I cannot recover from

I have never been here before

but then again I have never said love

like this

and meant it

I love you