6/30 The Difference

The Difference

history is not always on your side

there are tools today not available

some long ago

the rules are no longer

the rules

back then

the peaceful opened arms wide

believing no harm would come

because they meant no harm

over and over again

at some point the peaceful

adapted their thinking

protection their mode of communication

modern day colonizers forget

the memories present in the colonized

because they have no recollection

they couldn’t

they have never been

on the receiving end

of loss of home

by force

being demonized for existing

in their own environments

so moving forward

the mentality of

things will be what I want them to be

is not based in real time thinking

these days the people

know they are being displaced

never trusted your tongue

or

presence in neighborhoods

they’ve inhabited

for decades

and you don’t understand

that you moved into their hoods

you want to claim neighbor

when you do not know them

or care

to

they who are reduced the to thug

because you never read hood life 101

left a laundry list of opportunities to take

the way you took from them

and this is not to condone

but explain

things don’t change because

you showed up

I know your privilege didn’t tell you this part

that yes the native folk will videotape

the crimes against you

the way the cops tape crimes

perpetrated on them

and nothing happens

and nothing will happen

as long as you believe yourself

to be above them

you continue to call them thugs

call the police when you

don’t like the loudness of their music

because it doesn’t have the same

rhythms of your leaf blower

if you want to live in the hood,

you better learn the language

understand that Leroy

been living on that corner

for a decade

and Miss Lillian knows everything

all the time

your presence

doesn’t change

their reality

it changes yours

and you better learn how to adapt

or just like you saw your opportunity and acted on it,

they will do the same

there are all kinds of takers

you no longer hold

the monopoly on that

and that is the difference

18/30 Burnished

there is a glitter in my step

a shine from within

a release of anxiety

I let flourish too long

the way my mind

seeks failure is frightening

I am still learning how to negotiate

with my heart

over matters that dig

into scars no longer scabbed

a constant exposure

an ouch

I try to ignore

then it blindsides me

makes me imagine

makes me over think the simple

remove the simple

nothing is simple

on those days

when I am spilled milk

a smear of taint

empty arms longing for contact

but today 

I am glitter

I am so shiny

I hurt my eyes

a smile lifting at the corner

in earnest

in truth

soaking up the sun

all of it

17/30 Kvell

when they found their bodies outside of mine

took their first breaths

announced their arrivals

my silent prayers of peace and whole

became prophecies to be fulfilled

they own their faces and choices

their successes make me proud to be home

away from home

the miles don’t matter

when love is the map

the way we find our way back

they call and my face is beacon

is reminded I am alive and live on

in multiple locations and shapes

and eyes

they will never not be mine

never really away from my

my locket hearts holds their faces

holds their love lifts their voices

every time I open my mouth

11/30 Limitations

in the after times

when we get to re think the choices

second guess the intentions

it works I guess but not in a way

that services the injured

any way we are talking the talk,

not really

I am screaming at the ceiling

which doubts my intentions

think maybe I didn’t do enough

like the last time

there are so many things to do

my head in the clouds

the way they hang so low

it is not a difficult feat

my face a slack example of time wasted

a throb in the pulse

my eyes a blur of details

it is hard to focus

the screaming has dulled to a roar

a sore throat that aches for soothing

maybe tomorrow

18/30 Schlemiel

I've never felt so clueless

so out of luck the way it

never seems to go the way 

I think it should

no happiliy ever after no

silver linings to destract me

from the fact that you have

the amazing ability to make 

me feel stupid whenever you are near

maybe it's not a feeling 

maybe it's the truth 

and maybe this is my cue to depart

before the mean girl in you shows her face

and I forget for a minute that I don't

punch people anymore and forget

for a minute and forgot

I am always attracted to things and people

that cause more pain than joy never

really sure of what's happening

navigating niceties and lies

mine fields where they don't need to be

like we don't need to be

but I'm always a handy placeholder

the person you pretend with until

you can pretend with someone 

who overlooks the things you know

I can see, and I stay sometimes

refusing to believe I've held

someone so shallow in my mouth

16/30 derringer-do

So, it will end the way it began 

full of confusion guts and guns 

a people attempting to survive 

while others hunt them down 

in the wildreness they call home 

tears spent 

no change 

fear festering in secret 

only to out themselves 

become bigger prey 

a party we were never invited to 

this way of men and their games 

play reguardless of the consequences 

blanks or live fire 

the only thing that matters 

is winning all day everyday 

if infiltrated turn inwards 

hold yourself hostage 

ransom note your own obituary 

photoshop your own tombstone 

create a new club in the afterlife

13/30 PEMDAS

sloping scapula

skin all right angles

an algorithm of fingers stroking

a pebble clit

centrifugal force of thighs

across the moonbow of your ribs

accelerated heartbeat 

gravitational pull of eyes

glaciers of venom flowing through veins

a sweep of spine

making me math the orgasams add up

please excuse my damn accute stimulation

or not

5/30 Oology

pollen covers everything

refusing to give up the throne that is my porch

I wipe the yellow dust from the table surface

wash my hands so as not to rub the dust in my eyes

a spring habit as nature spews her love all over
my eyes catch sight of our porch dweller

the bird who thrice tried to build her nest 

above our door rests, nest-less 

on the ledge of a column above the grill

she is not there every night

only when weather threatens to happen

tonight the clouds with their dark temper

stomp across a starless sky

there is a pang of guilt in the moment

but it passes quickly

I know the nature of mothers

know that if she had built her nest 

in that location when the eggs hatched 

we would not be able to pass without attack

protecting home and hearth is what most mothers do

I do not believe she is haunting me

she is not Poe's raven quoting the same word

over and over in an attempt to rid me of my sanity

but I wonder, if my removal of her attempts

to create a home for her one day eggs robbed her

of a family then I wonder if it's the males who build the nest

and I have mis-gendered this bird as well as

leaving it homeless

there are so many trees nearby

wouldn't trees be better real estate 

for winged ones to occupy 

isn't that where birds should build

not on a porch over the grill that will soon bellow smoke

and the sizzle of meat 

4/30 Ummm...

and I could even when I know I should not

hold that thing in the palm of my hands make 

it do what it do

I could, but I won't 

there are limits to my debauchery

and even though I could I won't 

knowing that this is a possibility

sends me time warping to the time

when that was exactally what I would do

no second guessing

just go and gone

there is a lesson some where in all this

some do the right thing because it's the right thing

thing

or you know better do better antidote

I hear it all

know the person I am

know that I will always do the right thing

but

thinking about the thing that may not be right

is always a thing that makes me smile

especially,

when no one is looking