21/30 Adore

(I wrote this in a journal years ago from a first love making prompt. I never did anything with it because it was so phucking cheesy. I found the journal yesterday in a panicked search after learning of the death of Prince. I cleaned it up a bit, changed the parts that super didn't make sense and tried to make it a little less Velveeta. I am still in shock.) 

it’s not so much the song

it’s that that was the song

we shared the first time

we made love

when we split

I avoided the song

like that would make

the memories of us less painful

the way you frowned when I said Prince

confessed you’d never heard

I doubted if there could be space

for you in my heart

I mean who the fuck has never listened to Prince

and do I want to invite that kind of insanity into my life

but I adored you and thought maybe

if I serenaded you soft and wet

as we strolled uptown

let you glimpse my dirty mind

pondering what I would do when you were mine

or... 
was I getting ahead of myself

did I really feel for you

or was I just delirious

with the prospect of falling for you

because I want to be your lover

two girls creating controversy

on a campus that could barely contain us

our first slow dance to purple rain

ended lips locked hands fumbling

my first orgasm with you

I was fully clothed

the kiss left me breathless and blushing

while doves were crying

you liberated  my body from clothes

breasts from bras

a sign of the times to come

this strange relationship blooming

you the most beautiful girl in the world

always in my hair

with all my nerves I never doubted

that it would be a beautiful night

in the morning over starfish and coffee

we talked about what would happen

if I was your girlfriend

well If I was this could be us every night

because together we were some sexy motherfuckers

and it was the song and you

and there is a comfort in knowing

the first time we made love

We had the Beautiful ones approval

a soundtrack to loving you

19/30 Esemplastic

my heart deciphers first

hears hope just under the rejection

tries to weigh it all up

with her no hands

or eyes

feeling all the things at once

until they traffic jam collide

a pile up

where she dangles in doubt

tries to repair what may not be broken

until she breaks it with her no hands

if she had hands they would wrap themselves

around each other in a worry that should

or should not exist

feelings all over the floor

love swimming upstream

my brain always leaps the other way

tries to read into and between the lines

tries to suss out intend and what was really being said

does not trust the information

until processed to damn near death.

somewhere in me logic lingers

runs interference to the point of exhaustion

logic holds the key to the tears

she covers them with

an attempt to cool the tempest

knowing she will have to do it again

soon

18/30 Burnished

there is a glitter in my step

a shine from within

a release of anxiety

I let flourish too long

the way my mind

seeks failure is frightening

I am still learning how to negotiate

with my heart

over matters that dig

into scars no longer scabbed

a constant exposure

an ouch

I try to ignore

then it blindsides me

makes me imagine

makes me over think the simple

remove the simple

nothing is simple

on those days

when I am spilled milk

a smear of taint

empty arms longing for contact

but today 

I am glitter

I am so shiny

I hurt my eyes

a smile lifting at the corner

in earnest

in truth

soaking up the sun

all of it

12/30 Miche

I don't let it show
not on my face
I hold it there just out of sight
in plain view
no one can see
what I don't want to show
they do anyway

this poetry thing
gets under your skin sometimes
an odd rash of rhyme and rhythm
coughing up a residue of words
people like that sometimes
it is a healing by tearing away
a stripping naked thing that never sleeps
it eats away and nourishes at the same time
it is a noisy lover and has no chill
it talks about everything and never blushes
points out the bruises calls them beautiful
a trophy of scars hanging on the walls
it comes too fast sometimes
and rarely wears protection
says it is clean even when it  is nasty

I have had so many babies I named poems
swaddled them in books that hang out in libraries
and she is always there lurking
assuring me I am never alone

7/30 Slip

sometimes

in the middle of the night

my mind wanders

floats in your direction

never quite reaching you

but trying 

4/30 How To

when i look at him sometimes
all 6ft plus i goggle and think
he used to live in my body
taking up all the space in my womb

and i want him to continue doing that
occupying space in this womb of a world
face beaming and a mind filled with sparks
i want him to be the world every inch of it

i used t hold him in my arms and wonder
if i could raise a man to be a man
whatever that means, today, or tomorrow
could i do what i have never done

today he we are sitting in the car
we watch our new neighbor carrying bags
he wants to help her but she is practically
in her house when we notice her

she has a grandson, he says i nod
he should have gone shopping for her, he says
he looks at me his eyes a soft miracle
he says, you are not as old as she is
but if you ever need me to shop or anything
i'll do it

i realize listening to the Morse Code of his heartbeat
i did it
i raised a man

3/30 Fabular

the way I heard it

she walked right in

no she didn't walk 

she kind of sauntered

rolling her hips in that way

or maybe she strolled 

like she could care less

but you could tell she cared a lot

anyway she walk, sauntered, strolled in

like she owned the place or at least her space in that place

I tell you I ain't never seen nobody

walk, saunter stroll in the way she did

not a care in the world and her rolling hips

in that place

then she stood pefrectly still

ok she moved a little 

but she was still in that way

you knew something was going to happen 

and it could be scary 

but you wanted to see

she stood perfectly stlill 

kinda

and looked at everybody 

like they owed her money

and they best be ready to pay up

I tell you I ain't never seen nobody

walk, saunter stroll in the way she did

not a care in the world, her rolling hips

all still and moving like that

pay me my money

then she made eye contact with this woman

she was a beautiful woman 

she kinda blushed

just in her eyes when she looked at her 

the way she looked

then she did that walk again all saunter and stroll

and hips

she walked right up on the beautiful one 

and smiled

showing no teeth 

but we saw them all

then she walked, sauntered, strolled right up to her

to the beautiful one 

like they knew each other

but not really 

you could tell

I mean there was chemistry 

but it kinda bounced around the room

got on everybody 

but they didn't notice

it was like being somewhere 

you shouldn't be

but we were all there and we saw everything

maybe we shouldn't have

then she, the woman, 

plunged her hand into her chest

just stuck it in there, 

it was magic and there was no blood

but her hand kinda disappeared into her body

and she just pulled it out

pulled it right out

she pulled her heart right out

and handed it, her heart, to the beautiful one 

like 

it was normal

like people just walk, saunter stroll

not a care in the world hips rolling

still but moving all smile no teeth

eye contact and chemistry bouncing around the room

plunging her hand in her chest 

and giving it to a beautiful woman 

like it was normal

and magic

she just said three word

just three

she looked the beautiful woman 

in the eyes 

and said

this is yours

she said it just like that

this is yours

only three words

and she gave it to her

just handed it over

just gave this beautiful woman

three words and her heart

and the beautiful girl she smile

she smiled and said

thank you

I never saw no shit like that before