7/30 Variations

in the first dream 

i wake naked           wonder the house 

i do not recognize 

i think i know what this means           but not yet 

in each room i find some forgotten thing 

or some lost item of clothing 

or some part of me I've neglected 

on the stairs there are a pair of shoes 

i have never been before 

they accuse me of running off at the mouth 

of counting things i do not own 

they sit there in their shiny blues 

                a sad song 

                i do not know the words to 

in the kitchen 

the ramshackle that is my heart 

leans a soggy mess on the counter 

every other beat it calls her name           in a whisper shout 

that 

i can not hear 

because my ears 

are no longer connected to my head         

                         and i think i know what this means 

                                                                   not yet 

the last room i care to search 

is not a room at all 

it is the hollow of a throat i loved 

it is my right arm atrophied 

missing the form of her gone body 

                   it is the waist deep in memory 

                   and missing all the points 

i have never lived here 

like i thought 

this house has forgotten the shape of me 

if i ever find my eyes 

maybe they will tell me something different 

echo myself back 

                          i think i know what this means

                                                              not yet

Vaccination

noun vuh-tiss-uh-NAY-shun

1 : something foretold : prediction

2 : the act of prophesying

the worst

the best kind of lies

are told in the dark

sliding from whiskey soaked lips

slurring platitudes

like they have enough weight

to keep you

grounded

as you float above yourself

a sensation you will not remember

when dawn breaks

when the sun ignites

fumes of spent desire

as the forgetting begins

love recedes

falls back to lust

reclaiming the lonely it always was

even as it pretended

to be what it never

would

the bells ringing

missed intentions  

go unheard

a crashing

a siren singing songs

full of repressed shadows

hand over my mouth

no sound escapes

no utterance of anything solid

a fluttering thing

that holds your attention

holds it

as long as the glass is full

ice reflecting the hues of miscommunication

measured in proofs

in how much hope

you can hold between mutual distractions

when pleasure is so self-serving

it calls out its own name

hoards everything else

See these

these are the best ones

the lies that can only remember

who you are

once you’ve left

the only part

you did not ever think

you would lose again

21/30 Adore

(I wrote this in a journal years ago from a first love making prompt. I never did anything with it because it was so phucking cheesy. I found the journal yesterday in a panicked search after learning of the death of Prince. I cleaned it up a bit, changed the parts that super didn't make sense and tried to make it a little less Velveeta. I am still in shock.) 

it’s not so much the song

it’s that that was the song

we shared the first time

we made love

when we split

I avoided the song

like that would make

the memories of us less painful

the way you frowned when I said Prince

confessed you’d never heard

I doubted if there could be space

for you in my heart

I mean who the fuck has never listened to Prince

and do I want to invite that kind of insanity into my life

but I adored you and thought maybe

if I serenaded you soft and wet

as we strolled uptown

let you glimpse my dirty mind

pondering what I would do when you were mine

or... 
was I getting ahead of myself

did I really feel for you

or was I just delirious

with the prospect of falling for you

because I want to be your lover

two girls creating controversy

on a campus that could barely contain us

our first slow dance to purple rain

ended lips locked hands fumbling

my first orgasm with you

I was fully clothed

the kiss left me breathless and blushing

while doves were crying

you liberated  my body from clothes

breasts from bras

a sign of the times to come

this strange relationship blooming

you the most beautiful girl in the world

always in my hair

with all my nerves I never doubted

that it would be a beautiful night

in the morning over starfish and coffee

we talked about what would happen

if I was your girlfriend

well If I was this could be us every night

because together we were some sexy motherfuckers

and it was the song and you

and there is a comfort in knowing

the first time we made love

We had the Beautiful ones approval

a soundtrack to loving you

10/30 Lessons for Legislators

it starts the way you start

with dinner

perhaps drinks

dancing could show its pretty face

all slow and grinding

all hips

there will be hands

touching

caressing napes of neck

base of spines

information being translated

without words

just touch

lips will be involved

sweet chaste kisses

that turn deep

primal

standing or sitting

still wearing all of our clothes

the murmurs will begin

the urgency

our breaths will catch

on the other side of release

that part comes later

after the before

there will be a ninja style

of removing bras

I have worked hard at this part

I have the skill

I once removed a bra and she didn’t realize

until I handed it back to her

clamped and neatly folded,

but I digress

the hands that never left return

there is molding and kneading

unbuckling of pants or the raising of skirts

fingers dipping into panties

or the sliding away of a thongs

there will be wet and wanting

and thrust

the slow reveal

there will be at least two orgasms

before our naked bodies meet

I am more interested

in her receiving of pleasure

than my own

that may be a difference between us

once in bed

where we should be able to explore

in private

but you want to know so badly

you want to make this public

I only hope you are taking notes

I hate repeating my words

and while I cannot teach you

the art of multiple orgasm

for your wife’s sake

I hope you are paying attention

we may wear covers

or let the moon watch in wander

as we move across each other

music

the kind we make in our throats

when I take her in my mouth

the arch of her back will mold to my palms

when she opens for me

I will know the true meaning of welcome

of home

of g-spot and held breaths

she will know all the honesty I own

and when she returns the favor

you will see my gratitude

all over her face

when we finish it could be hours

there is so much skin

we both have skin

this will take time

not all rush and fumble

not a silent affair

our moans and shouts

decorate the walls

and while it may confuse the neighbors

we are proud of our display

our cacophony

our love

the way we make it

so there is my private

my love you want to legislate

with law

when what you really are

is jealous of the fact

that beauty that pleasure exists

without your penis,

I mean 
your laws

9/30 What Happens in Crowds

we are not in this alone

not by ourselves

even though we think we know better

feeling south of other

and nowhere to be found

there are others

they just don’t acknowledge our presence

they have better things to do

and part of that is not thinking about

what we are struggling with

which is really not a struggle

just  two people not talking about anything

and it’s a problem

but it’s our problem

we are not the only ones

we just don’t talk about it

just move

and pretend

and nothing

and if you talked to me finally

I am not even sure I would remember your voice

and you maybe don’t care enough to notice

and maybe someday

I’ll stop feeling like the chain around your neck

the thing you never wanted to be a part of

the kiss you wish you could take back

5/30 Arrivals and Departures

Arrivals and Departures

traffic at the airport was terrible

the rain washed away dividing lines

so many cars with no paths to guide them

they barely miss kissing bumpers

I notice but I don’t 

all I can think about is kissing you

you’ve only been gone two weeks

the scent of you lingers on the walls

my bed still holds the imprint of your frame

I miss the feel of you in my arms on my skin

I signal into the parking lot eagerly awaiting your arrival

I don’t think about the arguments over nothing

over photos with strangers or my too busy schedule

I don’t think about how when you said you had to get away

sounded like final destination or fleeing the scene of a crime

I don’t want to remember how you wanted me to choose

between what I love and who I love

how the way you make complicated sound like

a disease you need to cure yourself from

the flowers I bought are only a few days old

a few dollars cheaper than brand new 

I love you on a budget

is still I love you

my phone rings in the pocket next to my keys

your face a flame on my screen

the smile hidden in my heart shows up on my face

before your voice says you have decided to stay a few more days

before you say we need to talk

before the flowers lose the little life they had left

the traffic at the airport will always be terrible

in the parking lot I prepare to depart

knowing once I pay the fee to free my car

I will never see or hear from you again

the dividing lines are blurry

more from my tears than the rain

the car next to me veers into my lane

I barely miss kissing the bumper 

3/30 Echo

sometimes in the dark
i hear things
maybe it is you voice
or some far away owl
sweet talking me into existence

i always want it to be you
happy and light in all the right places
speaking to me directly
right into my ears
a seduction of vibrations
a hanging of light

i never investigate its origins
i know that sound
your voice
lives in me

8/30 Badinage

1

my pick up line was unrehearsed

a sad attempt to win your smile

the furrow of your brow made me think 

I fucked up, misjudged your interest

but you were just thinking

I love a woman who thinks

the slow drag of your eyes on my frame

measuring me made my shirt tight

my body liked your body back

my clumsy line your face a round glow

my favorite smile decorates your face

I win

2

our rivers find new banks to rest by fall

our love a different thing we know the winds

will blow us in each others path again

each time the first time

you get all of my twisted jokes

and I love the way you growl in frustration

our kisses linger over everything

we are no strangers to the strange that is us

on any given Wednesday

your smile still a balm

and my favorite place to visit