22/30 Where to Pee When I gotta Pee, Cause I gotta Pee and Shyt (see what I did there)

in the dream
I am in drag

because I do that sometimes

on a Wednesday

or some random Tuesday

the spice of life

when I walk this way

on those days

when my other wants to show his face

and strut like he can

when I am dressed this way

there are no cat-calls

because that would take a second look

and men who dismantle women
on random streets

only look once

it’s part of the illness

so I am walking

in drag down a street

on a random Wednesday

or Tuesday

good days for walking

in drag
on streets

I walk into a business

let’s say it is some random Starbucks

there fucking everywhere

it’s almost like I  can’t not walk in

I mean it’s there

they are everywhere

but I don’t want coffee

the coffee I have already consumed

insist on evacuating my body

now

like right now
like for real

so I enter

in drag

approach the bathroom

the one wearing a triangle

but I am  dressed like a boi

so the security guard

because now there are security guards

because the bathroom pass of the past

holds no weight here

he points to the men’s room aggressively

aggressive pointing I am convinced is an art

a weird one but, well, you know

I go in the direction he is pointing

because curious

because authority figure

because I am in drag

and he doesn’t know that when dressed in drag

I pee standing up
because my inner boi

in a past life
was a Boy Scout

always prepared

and I have not used a urinal in years

back then I didn’t have proper equipment

so I go
adjust my stance

not sure if the restroom is empty

it is

it is also nasty

but I got my Go Girl

and this girl

who looks like a boy
on Wednesdays

or Tuesday
has to go

standing up

so I do

someone enters as I shake off the excess

I saw it in a movie

before I walk into the stall

close the door and wipe proper

because home training

the man eyes me oddly

not sure what he is seeing

with my facial hair

hat

with my suit

and shiny loafers and curves

with my bright pink apparatus

taking a warm soapy bath

before it is returned to my pocket

I tip my hat in his direction

don’t peek cause I’m not interested

as I exit

the security guard gives me a nod

then hesitates

the second look always fucks them up

I tip my hat

walk out of the coffee shop

walk back into Wednesday or Tuesday

in drag

I wake

think of all the other scenarios

the ones that don’t end amused

but shamed and invisible

the ones that end with prison sentences and fines

the ones that expose the parts that are private

the ones that involve my friends and their freedom

it is strange

that government has chosen

to enter the most private of places
oh wait, they've already entered our bedrooms

it is wrong and so fucking unconstitutional

the preamble just disappeared

because

“We the people”

has no meaning anymore

if it ever did

21/30 Adore

(I wrote this in a journal years ago from a first love making prompt. I never did anything with it because it was so phucking cheesy. I found the journal yesterday in a panicked search after learning of the death of Prince. I cleaned it up a bit, changed the parts that super didn't make sense and tried to make it a little less Velveeta. I am still in shock.) 

it’s not so much the song

it’s that that was the song

we shared the first time

we made love

when we split

I avoided the song

like that would make

the memories of us less painful

the way you frowned when I said Prince

confessed you’d never heard

I doubted if there could be space

for you in my heart

I mean who the fuck has never listened to Prince

and do I want to invite that kind of insanity into my life

but I adored you and thought maybe

if I serenaded you soft and wet

as we strolled uptown

let you glimpse my dirty mind

pondering what I would do when you were mine

or... 
was I getting ahead of myself

did I really feel for you

or was I just delirious

with the prospect of falling for you

because I want to be your lover

two girls creating controversy

on a campus that could barely contain us

our first slow dance to purple rain

ended lips locked hands fumbling

my first orgasm with you

I was fully clothed

the kiss left me breathless and blushing

while doves were crying

you liberated  my body from clothes

breasts from bras

a sign of the times to come

this strange relationship blooming

you the most beautiful girl in the world

always in my hair

with all my nerves I never doubted

that it would be a beautiful night

in the morning over starfish and coffee

we talked about what would happen

if I was your girlfriend

well If I was this could be us every night

because together we were some sexy motherfuckers

and it was the song and you

and there is a comfort in knowing

the first time we made love

We had the Beautiful ones approval

a soundtrack to loving you

20/30 Altitude

there are times when the ground is so close

the falling seems happens in slow motion

you may find yourself drifting through

the past repeating missteps

falling all over again

the sky with all its magic peers down

wonders how you have turned into

a face it no longer recognizes

why you won’t look up so she can

bathe you in the beauty you have always been

there are times when lifting your head

is an act so difficult

the altitude too much and rather than

fall from a grace you are not sure you deserve

you coffin your pillow and lay prone

waiting for a call to remind you who you are

19/30 Esemplastic

my heart deciphers first

hears hope just under the rejection

tries to weigh it all up

with her no hands

or eyes

feeling all the things at once

until they traffic jam collide

a pile up

where she dangles in doubt

tries to repair what may not be broken

until she breaks it with her no hands

if she had hands they would wrap themselves

around each other in a worry that should

or should not exist

feelings all over the floor

love swimming upstream

my brain always leaps the other way

tries to read into and between the lines

tries to suss out intend and what was really being said

does not trust the information

until processed to damn near death.

somewhere in me logic lingers

runs interference to the point of exhaustion

logic holds the key to the tears

she covers them with

an attempt to cool the tempest

knowing she will have to do it again

soon

18/30 Burnished

there is a glitter in my step

a shine from within

a release of anxiety

I let flourish too long

the way my mind

seeks failure is frightening

I am still learning how to negotiate

with my heart

over matters that dig

into scars no longer scabbed

a constant exposure

an ouch

I try to ignore

then it blindsides me

makes me imagine

makes me over think the simple

remove the simple

nothing is simple

on those days

when I am spilled milk

a smear of taint

empty arms longing for contact

but today 

I am glitter

I am so shiny

I hurt my eyes

a smile lifting at the corner

in earnest

in truth

soaking up the sun

all of it

17/30 Kvell

when they found their bodies outside of mine

took their first breaths

announced their arrivals

my silent prayers of peace and whole

became prophecies to be fulfilled

they own their faces and choices

their successes make me proud to be home

away from home

the miles don’t matter

when love is the map

the way we find our way back

they call and my face is beacon

is reminded I am alive and live on

in multiple locations and shapes

and eyes

they will never not be mine

never really away from my

my locket hearts holds their faces

holds their love lifts their voices

every time I open my mouth

16/30 Hoi Polloi

there are times when my heart adjusts itself

the beat syncs with pulse

a touch can set me to spinning

a kind word

the way she tastes in rainstorms

the sound of thunder rattles

through me on days when the light comes through

when I own my reflection

the skin aching for sun and breeze

the roaming of all over

the search and destroy mindset

sprinkles itself in the eyes of non-believers

who hold the destinies of other in contempt

for reasons only you understand

an adjustment made of desperation

hope held hostage

and teeth full of mouth

15/30 Late Night Musings

puffy eyes and runny nose

 shaking hands

 and that tick thing I do

 that I have noticed recently

 body flutters

 that have nothing to do with

 temperature

 or the mosquitoes Georgia rain

 has convinced they are supposed

 to be alive still

 at night

 like vampires

 chasing my face for blood

 I cannot spare

 my neighbors

 peeking through blinds

 wondering about this ritualistic thing

 I do

 at night

 especially on nights

 when my heart yearns for close

 when close is not an option

 it's

 the words that keep me grounded

 for now

 until I float away

 a happenstance of rising tides

 a loose anchor

 a pirate without a port or harbor to call home

 so I find home

 in the words falling from my mouth

 like so much rain

 like if I didn't practice

 someone other than me would know

 or care

 why do I care

then I glimpse you

 a memory

 the clouds

 the part of me that moves through the lonely

 like I do

 so well

 on nights like this

14/30 Consent (the remix)

I am not your lucky

not your blarney stone

or rabbits foot

I will not set you free by touching me

or any part of my body

I am listening to you lament about consent

how no man has the right to touch any part of a woman

or approach her like it is his duty

and I am calling so much bullshit in my head

because not an hour ago you approached me

a smile on your face

reached up and touched me without my consent

or permission

so not only do you not practice what you preach

you have no business in the pulpit

no business selling your snake oil

because you are just as guilty of the crime

you know so much about

you commit it yourself

my brother once said to me that becoming a lawyer

can make you a perfect criminal

you tell me you are an ally how you will stand for me,

in front of me if need be

and that is exactly the wrong thing

you speak of respecting people of color

but the boundaries that exist

do not seem to apply to me

your hair is so pretty you say

reaching without asking

touching without permission

when I step away you look put-off

tell me you were just honoring my style

then 

or is it because I’m white

It is not because you are white

it is because my body doesn’t belong to you

and you seem to believe that only

men can objectify women

only men need to ask for consent

every consensual lover I have ever had

can touch my body to their hearts desire

hair included

a mutual understanding

and believe it or not some of those lovers are white

so it’s not about race

it is about respect

it is about practicing what you preach

penis or not

when you touch me without my permission

you do not have consent

and yes, that includes

your lame ass excuse

about honoring my hair

13/30 Tonsorial

when you are a single mother

with boys

that have hair

they refuse to comb

and school starts soon

and there are stores that sell clippers

so you buy them

the barber shop is too expensive

three visits pays for the clippers

and then

there is more money

for the clothes they are outgrowing

for the shoes that always need replacing

for the meals missing mid-day in summer

this practical single mother knows

she has no skills at cutting hair

but how hard can it be

she has seen hair cut

her sons are not eager to be

experimental performance

no one wants to go first

the youngest loses the fight

because

youngest

he sits not as calm as he pretends

there is a soft buzz

an ouch

a retort of

damn your ears are big

a little blood

then an

oops

the older brother slaps his hand

across his lips

to stuff back the explicative

that will get his ass beat

while the sisters laugh

the younger brother advances on

the mirror

mouth stretched in a scream

that won’t come

a tear falls

the mother is upset

she didn’t do it on purpose

she apologizes to the crying boy

who now has to have it

all

cut

off

a trim turned bald

the older brother declares

he wants to grow the biggest

afro in the world

ever

while the younger develops

an interest

in hats

12/30 Miche

I don't let it show
not on my face
I hold it there just out of sight
in plain view
no one can see
what I don't want to show
they do anyway

this poetry thing
gets under your skin sometimes
an odd rash of rhyme and rhythm
coughing up a residue of words
people like that sometimes
it is a healing by tearing away
a stripping naked thing that never sleeps
it eats away and nourishes at the same time
it is a noisy lover and has no chill
it talks about everything and never blushes
points out the bruises calls them beautiful
a trophy of scars hanging on the walls
it comes too fast sometimes
and rarely wears protection
says it is clean even when it  is nasty

I have had so many babies I named poems
swaddled them in books that hang out in libraries
and she is always there lurking
assuring me I am never alone

11/30 Limitations

in the after times

when we get to re think the choices

second guess the intentions

it works I guess but not in a way

that services the injured

any way we are talking the talk,

not really

I am screaming at the ceiling

which doubts my intentions

think maybe I didn’t do enough

like the last time

there are so many things to do

my head in the clouds

the way they hang so low

it is not a difficult feat

my face a slack example of time wasted

a throb in the pulse

my eyes a blur of details

it is hard to focus

the screaming has dulled to a roar

a sore throat that aches for soothing

maybe tomorrow

10/30 Lessons for Legislators

it starts the way you start

with dinner

perhaps drinks

dancing could show its pretty face

all slow and grinding

all hips

there will be hands

touching

caressing napes of neck

base of spines

information being translated

without words

just touch

lips will be involved

sweet chaste kisses

that turn deep

primal

standing or sitting

still wearing all of our clothes

the murmurs will begin

the urgency

our breaths will catch

on the other side of release

that part comes later

after the before

there will be a ninja style

of removing bras

I have worked hard at this part

I have the skill

I once removed a bra and she didn’t realize

until I handed it back to her

clamped and neatly folded,

but I digress

the hands that never left return

there is molding and kneading

unbuckling of pants or the raising of skirts

fingers dipping into panties

or the sliding away of a thongs

there will be wet and wanting

and thrust

the slow reveal

there will be at least two orgasms

before our naked bodies meet

I am more interested

in her receiving of pleasure

than my own

that may be a difference between us

once in bed

where we should be able to explore

in private

but you want to know so badly

you want to make this public

I only hope you are taking notes

I hate repeating my words

and while I cannot teach you

the art of multiple orgasm

for your wife’s sake

I hope you are paying attention

we may wear covers

or let the moon watch in wander

as we move across each other

music

the kind we make in our throats

when I take her in my mouth

the arch of her back will mold to my palms

when she opens for me

I will know the true meaning of welcome

of home

of g-spot and held breaths

she will know all the honesty I own

and when she returns the favor

you will see my gratitude

all over her face

when we finish it could be hours

there is so much skin

we both have skin

this will take time

not all rush and fumble

not a silent affair

our moans and shouts

decorate the walls

and while it may confuse the neighbors

we are proud of our display

our cacophony

our love

the way we make it

so there is my private

my love you want to legislate

with law

when what you really are

is jealous of the fact

that beauty that pleasure exists

without your penis,

I mean 
your laws

9/30 What Happens in Crowds

we are not in this alone

not by ourselves

even though we think we know better

feeling south of other

and nowhere to be found

there are others

they just don’t acknowledge our presence

they have better things to do

and part of that is not thinking about

what we are struggling with

which is really not a struggle

just  two people not talking about anything

and it’s a problem

but it’s our problem

we are not the only ones

we just don’t talk about it

just move

and pretend

and nothing

and if you talked to me finally

I am not even sure I would remember your voice

and you maybe don’t care enough to notice

and maybe someday

I’ll stop feeling like the chain around your neck

the thing you never wanted to be a part of

the kiss you wish you could take back

8/30 Message in a Bottle

there was the year

I turned the inside of my body into an ocean

filled it religiously

with which ever spirit haunted me

like a blessing or a curse

every night

then the next

a reverse drowning

trapping the sadness inside

filling it to bursting

so I would not

could not

feel its breath on my skin

mocking the memories that feed it

make it grow 

like mold

like a fire

like a bruise blooming

in the house regret built

on a shaky foundation

on the shore of sea more

confused than angry

its whining windows

shrugging walls and rooms

filled with empty bottles

that clang together              

a cacophony of lonely

a symphony of the misery 

I have become

crashing into myself

more weary than wave

more force than fury

that year went by in a blur

twice

7/30 Slip

sometimes

in the middle of the night

my mind wanders

floats in your direction

never quite reaching you

but trying 

6/30 Night Terror

I watch her when she sleeps

face calm and

breathing

a hand across her chest

I watch it rise and fall

like hope

a sigh

a breath held

lips quiver

a tear decorates

her cheek

has the dream gone bad

something forgotten remembered

mouth curves into a smile

she burrows into my arms

feeling so familiar

it terrifies me

so 

I hold on tighter

5/30 Arrivals and Departures

Arrivals and Departures

traffic at the airport was terrible

the rain washed away dividing lines

so many cars with no paths to guide them

they barely miss kissing bumpers

I notice but I don’t 

all I can think about is kissing you

you’ve only been gone two weeks

the scent of you lingers on the walls

my bed still holds the imprint of your frame

I miss the feel of you in my arms on my skin

I signal into the parking lot eagerly awaiting your arrival

I don’t think about the arguments over nothing

over photos with strangers or my too busy schedule

I don’t think about how when you said you had to get away

sounded like final destination or fleeing the scene of a crime

I don’t want to remember how you wanted me to choose

between what I love and who I love

how the way you make complicated sound like

a disease you need to cure yourself from

the flowers I bought are only a few days old

a few dollars cheaper than brand new 

I love you on a budget

is still I love you

my phone rings in the pocket next to my keys

your face a flame on my screen

the smile hidden in my heart shows up on my face

before your voice says you have decided to stay a few more days

before you say we need to talk

before the flowers lose the little life they had left

the traffic at the airport will always be terrible

in the parking lot I prepare to depart

knowing once I pay the fee to free my car

I will never see or hear from you again

the dividing lines are blurry

more from my tears than the rain

the car next to me veers into my lane

I barely miss kissing the bumper 

4/30 How To

when i look at him sometimes
all 6ft plus i goggle and think
he used to live in my body
taking up all the space in my womb

and i want him to continue doing that
occupying space in this womb of a world
face beaming and a mind filled with sparks
i want him to be the world every inch of it

i used t hold him in my arms and wonder
if i could raise a man to be a man
whatever that means, today, or tomorrow
could i do what i have never done

today he we are sitting in the car
we watch our new neighbor carrying bags
he wants to help her but she is practically
in her house when we notice her

she has a grandson, he says i nod
he should have gone shopping for her, he says
he looks at me his eyes a soft miracle
he says, you are not as old as she is
but if you ever need me to shop or anything
i'll do it

i realize listening to the Morse Code of his heartbeat
i did it
i raised a man

3/30 Echo

sometimes in the dark
i hear things
maybe it is you voice
or some far away owl
sweet talking me into existence

i always want it to be you
happy and light in all the right places
speaking to me directly
right into my ears
a seduction of vibrations
a hanging of light

i never investigate its origins
i know that sound
your voice
lives in me

2/30 Musth

when normal leaves me lonely
when the sun is there shining
offering no warmth or forgiveness
the tears continue to flow
down cheeks
into my ears
drowning my pillows
i try to will my heart to stop
stop the pinning
stop being sick in love

the anxiety comes at the strangest time
strange, but it makes as much sense as anything
on Tuesday when my mind wanders to places
it knows better
and i get stuck in the heart with sick
and blubber and messy
it gets everywhere
then leaks from my eyes
spills on everything
all over again

but Wednesday is coming
there are no tears on Wednesday
a mid pointing in the direction of hope
no map just go
just move on
away

but i can't
my mind may wonder
but my heart remains rooted
tho the spot

1/30 The L Word

Ok, I am moving so my shyt will be late because, MOVING. Anyway, I will be posting poems. I am processing a lot of things. My process is internal and more about me than you. Just let me get it out and don't take this shyt personal I just need to get it out of MY body. Most of it will be awful but better in the second look. If you know me then you know.

The L Word

I don't want to believe it was on purpose

I want to believe that maybe in some

trick of the light you didn't think this would effect me

the way it did

all the while knowing it would

I don't want to believe that part, the ignoring

and yet it stands in the rain pointing

saying under its breath

you knew on some level

I will feign ignorance

who wants to be responsible

for their own shaming

I just wanted to talk

find my hold

my misstep

I know my crisis period was frightening

hell, 

I was scared 

you were not there the only thing

I wanted, I think

I am better now,

clearer

I think

I have moved from that place

and yes I noticed that in my grief and folding

you stayed away

eventhough you were the only one
I needed, I think

maybe it was the way I moved

made you remember what it was like to be someone

like me and you wanted no part directly

I get it

I guess

but I don't understand

because you won't even grant me the gift of words

out of your mouth into my ears

I have never said love in the moment

face to face

I always worried the whole time

rejection would be the special of the day

now I am trying to jigsaw myself

back to some semblance of myself

I don't even know who I am anymore

I knew once

but lost myself in a fantasy I cannot recover from

I have never been here before

but then again I have never said love

like this

and meant it

I love you