21/30 Adore

(I wrote this in a journal years ago from a first love making prompt. I never did anything with it because it was so phucking cheesy. I found the journal yesterday in a panicked search after learning of the death of Prince. I cleaned it up a bit, changed the parts that super didn't make sense and tried to make it a little less Velveeta. I am still in shock.) 

it’s not so much the song

it’s that that was the song

we shared the first time

we made love

when we split

I avoided the song

like that would make

the memories of us less painful

the way you frowned when I said Prince

confessed you’d never heard

I doubted if there could be space

for you in my heart

I mean who the fuck has never listened to Prince

and do I want to invite that kind of insanity into my life

but I adored you and thought maybe

if I serenaded you soft and wet

as we strolled uptown

let you glimpse my dirty mind

pondering what I would do when you were mine

or... 
was I getting ahead of myself

did I really feel for you

or was I just delirious

with the prospect of falling for you

because I want to be your lover

two girls creating controversy

on a campus that could barely contain us

our first slow dance to purple rain

ended lips locked hands fumbling

my first orgasm with you

I was fully clothed

the kiss left me breathless and blushing

while doves were crying

you liberated  my body from clothes

breasts from bras

a sign of the times to come

this strange relationship blooming

you the most beautiful girl in the world

always in my hair

with all my nerves I never doubted

that it would be a beautiful night

in the morning over starfish and coffee

we talked about what would happen

if I was your girlfriend

well If I was this could be us every night

because together we were some sexy motherfuckers

and it was the song and you

and there is a comfort in knowing

the first time we made love

We had the Beautiful ones approval

a soundtrack to loving you

20/30 Altitude

there are times when the ground is so close

the falling seems happens in slow motion

you may find yourself drifting through

the past repeating missteps

falling all over again

the sky with all its magic peers down

wonders how you have turned into

a face it no longer recognizes

why you won’t look up so she can

bathe you in the beauty you have always been

there are times when lifting your head

is an act so difficult

the altitude too much and rather than

fall from a grace you are not sure you deserve

you coffin your pillow and lay prone

waiting for a call to remind you who you are

19/30 Esemplastic

my heart deciphers first

hears hope just under the rejection

tries to weigh it all up

with her no hands

or eyes

feeling all the things at once

until they traffic jam collide

a pile up

where she dangles in doubt

tries to repair what may not be broken

until she breaks it with her no hands

if she had hands they would wrap themselves

around each other in a worry that should

or should not exist

feelings all over the floor

love swimming upstream

my brain always leaps the other way

tries to read into and between the lines

tries to suss out intend and what was really being said

does not trust the information

until processed to damn near death.

somewhere in me logic lingers

runs interference to the point of exhaustion

logic holds the key to the tears

she covers them with

an attempt to cool the tempest

knowing she will have to do it again

soon

18/30 Burnished

there is a glitter in my step

a shine from within

a release of anxiety

I let flourish too long

the way my mind

seeks failure is frightening

I am still learning how to negotiate

with my heart

over matters that dig

into scars no longer scabbed

a constant exposure

an ouch

I try to ignore

then it blindsides me

makes me imagine

makes me over think the simple

remove the simple

nothing is simple

on those days

when I am spilled milk

a smear of taint

empty arms longing for contact

but today 

I am glitter

I am so shiny

I hurt my eyes

a smile lifting at the corner

in earnest

in truth

soaking up the sun

all of it

17/30 Kvell

when they found their bodies outside of mine

took their first breaths

announced their arrivals

my silent prayers of peace and whole

became prophecies to be fulfilled

they own their faces and choices

their successes make me proud to be home

away from home

the miles don’t matter

when love is the map

the way we find our way back

they call and my face is beacon

is reminded I am alive and live on

in multiple locations and shapes

and eyes

they will never not be mine

never really away from my

my locket hearts holds their faces

holds their love lifts their voices

every time I open my mouth

16/30 Hoi Polloi

there are times when my heart adjusts itself

the beat syncs with pulse

a touch can set me to spinning

a kind word

the way she tastes in rainstorms

the sound of thunder rattles

through me on days when the light comes through

when I own my reflection

the skin aching for sun and breeze

the roaming of all over

the search and destroy mindset

sprinkles itself in the eyes of non-believers

who hold the destinies of other in contempt

for reasons only you understand

an adjustment made of desperation

hope held hostage

and teeth full of mouth

15/30 Late Night Musings

puffy eyes and runny nose

 shaking hands

 and that tick thing I do

 that I have noticed recently

 body flutters

 that have nothing to do with

 temperature

 or the mosquitoes Georgia rain

 has convinced they are supposed

 to be alive still

 at night

 like vampires

 chasing my face for blood

 I cannot spare

 my neighbors

 peeking through blinds

 wondering about this ritualistic thing

 I do

 at night

 especially on nights

 when my heart yearns for close

 when close is not an option

 it's

 the words that keep me grounded

 for now

 until I float away

 a happenstance of rising tides

 a loose anchor

 a pirate without a port or harbor to call home

 so I find home

 in the words falling from my mouth

 like so much rain

 like if I didn't practice

 someone other than me would know

 or care

 why do I care

then I glimpse you

 a memory

 the clouds

 the part of me that moves through the lonely

 like I do

 so well

 on nights like this