7/30 Slip

sometimes

in the middle of the night

my mind wanders

floats in your direction

never quite reaching you

but trying 

6/30 Night Terror

I watch her when she sleeps

face calm and

breathing

a hand across her chest

I watch it rise and fall

like hope

a sigh

a breath held

lips quiver

a tear decorates

her cheek

has the dream gone bad

something forgotten remembered

mouth curves into a smile

she burrows into my arms

feeling so familiar

it terrifies me

so 

I hold on tighter

5/30 Arrivals and Departures

Arrivals and Departures

traffic at the airport was terrible

the rain washed away dividing lines

so many cars with no paths to guide them

they barely miss kissing bumpers

I notice but I don’t 

all I can think about is kissing you

you’ve only been gone two weeks

the scent of you lingers on the walls

my bed still holds the imprint of your frame

I miss the feel of you in my arms on my skin

I signal into the parking lot eagerly awaiting your arrival

I don’t think about the arguments over nothing

over photos with strangers or my too busy schedule

I don’t think about how when you said you had to get away

sounded like final destination or fleeing the scene of a crime

I don’t want to remember how you wanted me to choose

between what I love and who I love

how the way you make complicated sound like

a disease you need to cure yourself from

the flowers I bought are only a few days old

a few dollars cheaper than brand new 

I love you on a budget

is still I love you

my phone rings in the pocket next to my keys

your face a flame on my screen

the smile hidden in my heart shows up on my face

before your voice says you have decided to stay a few more days

before you say we need to talk

before the flowers lose the little life they had left

the traffic at the airport will always be terrible

in the parking lot I prepare to depart

knowing once I pay the fee to free my car

I will never see or hear from you again

the dividing lines are blurry

more from my tears than the rain

the car next to me veers into my lane

I barely miss kissing the bumper 

4/30 How To

when i look at him sometimes
all 6ft plus i goggle and think
he used to live in my body
taking up all the space in my womb

and i want him to continue doing that
occupying space in this womb of a world
face beaming and a mind filled with sparks
i want him to be the world every inch of it

i used t hold him in my arms and wonder
if i could raise a man to be a man
whatever that means, today, or tomorrow
could i do what i have never done

today he we are sitting in the car
we watch our new neighbor carrying bags
he wants to help her but she is practically
in her house when we notice her

she has a grandson, he says i nod
he should have gone shopping for her, he says
he looks at me his eyes a soft miracle
he says, you are not as old as she is
but if you ever need me to shop or anything
i'll do it

i realize listening to the Morse Code of his heartbeat
i did it
i raised a man

3/30 Echo

sometimes in the dark
i hear things
maybe it is you voice
or some far away owl
sweet talking me into existence

i always want it to be you
happy and light in all the right places
speaking to me directly
right into my ears
a seduction of vibrations
a hanging of light

i never investigate its origins
i know that sound
your voice
lives in me

2/30 Musth

when normal leaves me lonely
when the sun is there shining
offering no warmth or forgiveness
the tears continue to flow
down cheeks
into my ears
drowning my pillows
i try to will my heart to stop
stop the pinning
stop being sick in love

the anxiety comes at the strangest time
strange, but it makes as much sense as anything
on Tuesday when my mind wanders to places
it knows better
and i get stuck in the heart with sick
and blubber and messy
it gets everywhere
then leaks from my eyes
spills on everything
all over again

but Wednesday is coming
there are no tears on Wednesday
a mid pointing in the direction of hope
no map just go
just move on
away

but i can't
my mind may wonder
but my heart remains rooted
tho the spot

1/30 The L Word

Ok, I am moving so my shyt will be late because, MOVING. Anyway, I will be posting poems. I am processing a lot of things. My process is internal and more about me than you. Just let me get it out and don't take this shyt personal I just need to get it out of MY body. Most of it will be awful but better in the second look. If you know me then you know.

The L Word

I don't want to believe it was on purpose

I want to believe that maybe in some

trick of the light you didn't think this would effect me

the way it did

all the while knowing it would

I don't want to believe that part, the ignoring

and yet it stands in the rain pointing

saying under its breath

you knew on some level

I will feign ignorance

who wants to be responsible

for their own shaming

I just wanted to talk

find my hold

my misstep

I know my crisis period was frightening

hell, 

I was scared 

you were not there the only thing

I wanted, I think

I am better now,

clearer

I think

I have moved from that place

and yes I noticed that in my grief and folding

you stayed away

eventhough you were the only one
I needed, I think

maybe it was the way I moved

made you remember what it was like to be someone

like me and you wanted no part directly

I get it

I guess

but I don't understand

because you won't even grant me the gift of words

out of your mouth into my ears

I have never said love in the moment

face to face

I always worried the whole time

rejection would be the special of the day

now I am trying to jigsaw myself

back to some semblance of myself

I don't even know who I am anymore

I knew once

but lost myself in a fantasy I cannot recover from

I have never been here before

but then again I have never said love

like this

and meant it

I love you